It sometimes feels like parenting is making the fewest mistakes possible each day.

Before having children I was full of the best intentions, plenty of thoughts on how I’d approach parenting and what I’d prioritise for them based on my experiences of growing up.

“Everyone has a plan until they get punched in the face.”

Mike Tyson

It’s probably fair to say I didn’t take to parenting the way I’d hoped I would. I found it a lot less natural than I’d expected to, and actually being a parent was significantly different to how I’d anticipated. Shocking, huh? My naivety, that is.

I don’t want to go on about the never-ending complaints about social comparison – especially in the era of social media – and how what you see publicly is purely curated or a projected persona. I’m sure most, if not all, new parents find it hard at first (whether you see it or not), and many will be honest that it remains hard, let alone juggling other life requirements and pressures alongside it.

For me, I still struggle with the idea that I’m not doing the best for my daughters. All those aspirations for how I wanted to be as a father feel a long way out of reach, but then of course they do. When I pictured my future parenting style did I ever factor in the finer day-to-day specifics of work, money or other commitments? No, of course not. Let alone the whole world of factors of which you have no comprehension until the child is in your life. The sheer concept that our eldest was an individual with her own inherent personality and behaviours versus ‘Generic Baby A’ that I had based my parenting path on pre-birth was in itself a huge curveball.

When I compare where I am as a parent with where I envisaged, or at least hoped, I’d be, then the gulf between the two opens up and the guilt I feel starts to gush into it. Don’t get me wrong, both my daughters are healthy and happy in all the ways I’d want them to be, but the struggle that comes with the pressure of being a parent is that I want absolutely everything to be as optimal as possible for them and their future lives. Am I helping to guide them morally and socially in the ‘right’ way? Am I nourishing their souls and feeding their intellect so that they can be on a path of growing and learning throughout their lives? Of course there is more I could be doing, and that’s where the delta between my hopes and reality emerges. Then again, there are all those other unfortunate necessities of life that weren’t allowed for in my pre-parent planning that must be balanced with all I can do.

Ultimately, parenting is those small decisions and interactions daily on an overall trajectory that define how a child grows and responds to your parenting. Does it still eat away at me if I’m stressed, hungry and overtired and I’m not the 100% perfect parent I want to be? Yes, yes it does. But if those instances are outweighed by the times when I’m actively engaging in two-way conversation or helping my daughters feel secure, appreciated, loved and self-confident then those interactions will have the greater impact.

I’m sure there are perfect parents out there, but for the vast majority of us we need to acknowledge that what we aspire to is often unrealistic or unsustainable, but the fact that we are aspiring to that great parenting is the important core to being the best that we can be.